Touched
by YellowMandala
Summary: Okay, so this is my first attempt at a fan fic! I absolutely love Smash and couldn't wait for next weeks episode so I began this fic based on the previews. I would really appreciate feedback as this is all new to me and I am not sure if I should continue
1. Chapter 1

Derek exhaled and breathed in deeply as he walked down the hall of Karen's apartment building. He felt light, as if he were walking on air. It was unlike him to admit to his faults, even more unlike him to apologize for them. To feel relief from admitting his faults? It was practically implausible.

It wasn't as if he was incapable of feeling remorse, but rather that he had never felt so compelled to have someone see that indeed he did feel. He was alive inside.

To be totally honest with himself he had to admit that Karen was quietly consuming his thoughts. Her light was too brilliant to ignore. Broadway had jaded him and he knew it. Hell, life had jaded him. It had never bothered him until this moment.

Before it was merely a nagging realization begging acknowledgment yet too easily silenced by his rational mind. Love was what they were selling, not what they lived. Some idealized notion of an overly commercialized fantasy. To be successful being a director he had found that the secret was calculated detachment… until it became just plain detachment with no effort necessary. He had to be demanding, cold, and calculating. It had provided him with success time and time again. Success and not much else he thought to himself rather grimly suddenly ashamed.

The elevator doors creaked opened and he hesitated briefly before stepping in. The thought of Karen was pulling him back. Amused with himself he imagined what he might say returning to her doorstep. She would no doubt be uncomfortable, imagining that his apology was perhaps some devious plot in which he would yet again set out to seduce her. And what could he say to convince her? Nothing would suffice. He could ramble on about his father, about his career, about all the compromises he had made along the way sacrificing all the reverence he once had. Innocence and idealism were two luxuries that his reality did not afford.

He could tell her the truth. He had been dead inside and didn't even know it until that fateful day that he heard her sing 'beautiful' and all the days that followed after. He wanted her to be the star of Marilyn and not entirely for all the right reasons. Of course she would dazzle, no doubt. But there was a more urgent pressing need that was stirring a quite storm within him. The simple need for her. When they collaborated for "Touch me" he was delighted to see her do what she was so obviously born to do. There was no barrier with Karen. She let it all pour out and it was real. Eileen, Tom, and Julia were bloody fools to not see it. So what if he tried to hijack the musical? It needed it. As if Tom could understand Marilyn. And Julia? She was so absorbed with her torrid affair that her judgment had been seriously compromised.

His mind desperately grasped for a realistic scenario in which he could simultaneously redeem himself to her and make her feel the same. He imagined instead silencing her protests with a kiss that would magically convey it all; his passion, his remorse, the light that she filled him with. The kiss would say it all and she would know…

The elevator doors opened with a ding. He stepped out and through the lobby, each step felt awkard yet he knew he must. He respected her above all else and wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Leaving the building he collided into who else but Dev. Dev gave him a disheveled look of surprise which quickly flashed into open suspicion.

"I leave and you show up to what, seduce Karen again?" he glowered.

Silence as they sized on another up.

"Why are you here?" he insisted, it was more of a snarl.

Derek wasn't about to admit to this prat that he had come to apologize. Not that he regretted it or felt ashamed…but rather because everything about Dev rubbed him the wrong way.

"Dev, I assure you Karen's honor remains utterly in tact." Derek responded peppered with all the annoyance he felt and a bit of sarcasm.

"It's not her that I am worried about" he growled.

"I am only going to warn you once, stay away from Karen. I've only tolerated her seeing you on a daily basis because of the workshop which frankly I find ridiculous between the paltry pay and impossible hours, especially considering that she in the chorus, but of course you would make her understudy to string her along in hopes of seducing her."

Oh this was much too much Derek thought his blood overheating.

"And who are you? Her captor? Oh, no no, I imagine that you must fancy that you are her knight… how utterly valiant of you!"

That was all it took to set Dev off. He relented to the nagging suspicions and animosity for all things Derek and "the workshop" and decked Derek before he even was able to realize what was coming to him.

For a moment Dev looked ashamed of himself then barked out in a guttural tone "Stay away from Karen, I don't want you ever coming to our place again!"

Derek's lip was bleeding, jaw incredibly throbbing and still reeling from the assault. Yet, he couldn't help it, he began to laugh at Dev as he stalked through the doors into the apartment building, and a bit too loudly at that. A few passerby's quickened their steps to avoid him. He openly looked at them feeling unabashedly brazen. What must this look like he wondered to himself still incredibly amused at it all.

The one time Derek had bothered to humanize himself, to apologize and do the right thing of course this would be the result. It would be one thing if he and Karen had actually been having some sort of reckless and steamy affair… but this? He was in completely unfamiliar territory.

Dev collided into the door, shoving his key into the lock and pressing himself in rather loudly. Karen looked up from the table startled and immediately knew something was up.

"What happened to your hand?"

He shook it as if the motion would make the pain vanish then began to cradle it with the other hand.

"Derek is what happened to my hand!" he proclaimed with the look of a madman.

"What? I don't-"

"I come home to find him leaving and now I see you dressed like this… proving me right of course."

Karen jumped up from the chair she was seated in.

"Wait, wait…Dev hold up! You are saying you got into a fight with Derek? You honestly think something is going on with him and I? Seriously?"

"Karen, I am over it. The musical, Derek, never seeing you… I can't deal with this. Its me or him!"

Karen was so shocked. First Derek Wills apologizing and now her Dev acting like a paranoid jealous husband. Her and Derek? Seriously?

"Dev, there is NOTHING going on between me and Derek."

"If you must know he came here to apologize for that night that I told you about. I can't believe you of all people would resort to violence. What has gotten into you?"

"Ever since you started this insane workshop nothing has been right between us Karen. I can't live like this.." Dev sighed heavily.

His mind was an ugly place at the moment. He had never felt like this. He had never been tested to this extent emotionally by a woman. He was so supportive of Karen's talent and ambition. She had told him it would be a long hard road to success but this… he couldn't deal with this. Wondering if she was sleeping with the sleazy director. Wondering when she would be allowed to come home. The jealously was turning him into a mindless, angst fool. That on top of his now questionable career at the Mayor's office.  
>Karen stepped closer to him and he flinched with anger. He couldn't help it. Part of him felt betrayed and her words, Derek's words, nothing could sate it.<p>

"I'll leave" he stated resigned.

Karen was bewildered, mouth left agape stumbling to find a response to these words that seemed so unreal. Yet she knew the meaning very well. 'Could this be the end?' she thought panic rising.

"Dev this is your apartment, if anyone should leave it is me…not that I entirely understand what is going on here…"  
>It was too late, he had already turned and was opening the door. Karen wanted to protest, to ask him to stay but she found that she couldn't and instead watched the door close behind him.<p>

She paced around the apartment for awhile, mind racing.

She was worried about Derek. What had Dev done to him? A part of her couldn't help but think that Derek had it coming to him. But still, after today things were so different between them. He no longer seemed the emotionless tyrant to her and she felt awfully embarrassed that her Dev could do something so very pig headed. She felt like she might go insane with no one to talk to about it all. Who would understand though? Who could she trust to not gossip about it? No one… but of course Derek. And really she should apologize to him since it was unlikely that one would be coming from Dev. She went to her closet and slipped on a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized soft sweater, pulled her hair up into a messy pony tail and fished out a warm scarf. She gave herself a quick once over and although she didn't look much more "appropriate" since her last evening rendevouz with Derek she honestly didn't care. Far heavier things were weighing on her mind. Grabbing her keys she set out of the apartment. She was glad to have left, the air inside hung heavy fresh from her and Dev's dispute and everything tortuously reminded her of them and how normal things were just hours ago.

~~~ 


	2. Chapter 2

As Karen navigated the bustling streets she took comfort in the crisp chill of the air. It was distracting her from her racing mind, at least momentarily. It would soon be dark and as the light began to fade into the horizon an inescapable feeling of panic arose in her throat. She swallowed as if it would help only to find the feeling intensifying alarmingly.  
>Were her and Dev really over? It all seemed so unreal. She imagined that she ought to feel much worse than she felt. Certainly she should feel something at all… Every time she tried to picture Dev and recapture the feelings that she had for him just hours ago her heart faltered. How could something so very good evaporate so quickly as if it had been merely a dream? How could she not have seen that Dev was wrestling with such intense jealousy? Maybe the workshop was causing her to be overly self absorbed if she couldn't have realized that things were so precarious between them. Still, it was her dream and she had plainly told him as much before they had even became involved romantically. She wasn't a fan of his spending time with RJ… the late meet ups and phone calls, sure it drove her nuts. But she would never stoop so low as to attack RJ. At the end of the day it wasn't about RJ it was about Dev and what he chose, which was to be with her. Just as it wasn't about Derek but about her and what she chose, which was to be with Dev. If Dev honestly thought that she was capable of cheating on him she was beginning to think that he didn't really know her at all… Not that it mattered anymore since things were so obviously over.<p>She took out her phone and checked to see if he had called or text. Nothing. She would have to be the bigger person here it appeared. She text him to let her know when he could talk about all this rationally.<p>

Karen supposed she would need to find a new place. The idea was too much to deal with at the moment so she pushed it from her mind. Just a few blocks away now and she would be at Derek's.

Derek. Just saying his name in her head had a strange and dizzying effect. It was so much easier when he was the callous and demanding, emotionally inept womanizer. Sure he had a certain baffling charm, yet she had never taken him seriously as anything other than just what he was, her boss, the director. Brilliantly maddening and ever demanding she admired him in a way. His method made her cringe at times but she had to admit he was the only one that had the wherewithal to bring Marilyn to life. That was of course if Eileen could secure funding and if Tom and Julia would ever finish composing. Still, his dedication was unequivocally unparalleled. Not that she knew too many other directors. It was just an instinctual hunch that she had about his character and work ethic. When people said that he was the best at what he did she believed it. He was practically a slave driver and while it drove much of the cast to the brink of insanity she honestly didn't mind it. She suspected that Marilyn meant just as much to her as it did to him and she found that every moment was magic, though of course often times it was exhausting… and it obviously was destroying her personal life. Still, she savored it and hoped that it would make it to Broadway.

Karen had never imagined that it would be easy to achieve her dreams but was beyond grateful that she was here in New York and on her path. She could have stayed in Iowa, could have got a normal job and always wonder what if… Her parents would be relieved no doubt. She might have a more rewarding love life, but she would be lacking the love of her life. This had been her calling long before she could even consciously realize it. Singing, dancing, acting… performing for others was innate to her. To be denied it she was sure she would die inside. It was part of her soul.

Here she was, at his doorstep. She hoped that he could explain what had happened with Dev. She needed answers.

The doorbell rang pulling Derek from his reverie. With the musical in limbo and his contributions deemed unnecessary he found that he had not much to do. He had been going over choreography for numbers already written but it didn't matter. Nothing needed to be changed. It was perfect as it was. If only he could say that about his life. After his altercation with Dev his internal landscape was looking a bit bleak. Scotch normally would do the trick but not this evening. He didn't- couldn't drown it out tonight. Instead he laid against the wall of floor to ceiling windows in his living room watching the city fade into darkness. It was the time at which New York truly came alive.

Making his way to the door her caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and smirked. He was disheveled, bruised and his lip was bloodied. Yes, he was quite the sight.

Seeing Karen at his door nearly made him catch his breath. He instantly felt better.

"Oh my… Derek, I am so sorry! I can't believe that Dev would…"  
>She said trailing off after having caught a glimpse of his face.<p>

"Yes, Dev, he is a rather charming fellow isn't he?"

"I don't know what to say… You have to tell me what happened!"

Karen didn't wait for him to respond and instead walked past him and sat down on his sofa and looked up at him expectantly.

Derek reminded himself that he ought to be very annoyed but couldn't resist feeling glad that she was here. Even if she did look intent upon interrogating him about his run in with Dev which he would much rather avoid reliving.

"Right, well there isn't much to tell" "I was leaving your building, we ran into one another and he began to tell me that I was not permitted to see you anymore. I of course told him he was being ridiculous granted that you are a grown woman and are capable of managing your own affairs… or something to that effect.."  
>"To be honest I did bait him a bit"<p>

Karen furrowed her brow and gazed off distantly for a moment before responding.

"Derek, it is not your fault. Dev had no excuse to behave the way he did and I am so sorry that this happened."

Derek couldn't help but notice the lost and dejected expression that Karen wore.

"I take things didn't go much better once he saw you?"

"No, not at all and I don't understand it. Dev - he, he broke up with me and stormed off. He said it was either him or the musical. I haven't heard from him since. He seemed to think that you and I, that we are um, involved."

She swallowed and looked away as if the mere idea of her and him together was too horrible to imagine. And of course she would Derek thought. He knew that Karen was much too good for him, what she had inside her couldn't be bought or sold. It would never be cheapened or degraded. He had attempted to compromise her and she had instead surprised him by simultaneously impressing him with her considerable talent all the while giving him the cold shoulder. Needless to say it was bittersweet.

Karen couldn't help herself from avoiding Derek's gaze. There was something in the air tonight between them, she couldn't put her finger on it and wasn't sure if she wanted to. Fidgeting a bit she realized that this was the very spot where she had sang Happy Birthday to him in that breathless, sex kitten tone which Marilyn was so famous for… They had nearly kissed.

Derek realized that it was up to him to diffuse the awkardness that had filled the brief silence between them.

"How ridiculous of him." he smirked.

"As if I'd have a chance."

Karen gave him a weak smile.

"You're not so bad… once you get past the insensitivity, the demands-"

"I see where this going, please, I don't think my already wounded pride can take it" he joked.

Karen laughed easily, the awareness was gone. They both looked at one another appreciatively. Finally the day was getting better for both of them.

"Let me make you some tea" Derek began to walk over to the kitchen to turn the kettle on.

"I have Earl Grey or Chamomile-"

There was a knock at the door. Derek had totally forgotten. Ivy was coming over this evening.


	3. Chapter 3

Ivy strode down the hallway to Derek's apartment with practiced finesse in her four inch stilettos. She was internally reminding herself to be easy going and gracious in her behavior with Derek pertaining to all things Marilyn… Her life might have been in shambles since the devastating end to her career at Heaven on Earth, but it didn't mean that he had to know that. No, she had given it much thought and as painful as it was she knew what she must do. It was the only thing she could do really. Find a way to redeem herself. Show Derek, Eileen, Julia and yes, even Tom that she had it together and would be patiently waiting in the wings for the right instance to be seized upon. She would be ready for her moment of fame no matter how small the chance might be. To her Marilyn was everything.

Her and Derek had begun to form an odd sort of relationship… Casual by all regards, yet there was an intimacy forming between them. Derek knew her better than she knew herself at times and she would not let her jealousy and pain betray itself to him. She had seen her mother do it time and time again. This should be easy enough. She breathed out letting it all go. She was an actress after all she reminded herself smiling. She was at his door now. Excited she smoothed her hands down the silk of her form fitting dress knowing full well the impression that she would be making upon him this evening.

Standing at his door Ivy realized how much that she wanted, needed and craved this. As much as it was speculated that she slept with Derek just to land a lead role there was in fact quite a bit more to it. She had known who Derek was long before they had met. She had known that he like countless other heterosexual male directors had no qualms with sexual entanglement at work, in fact she suspected it was just how 'business' was done. He was so devastatingly attractive too, it certainly didn't hurt. She honestly didn't expect to feel this much, but she supposed it was only natural. Derek was nearly, yet so far from perfect. If only she could secure his wayward affections. This was not the time to dwell on this. At least she wouldn't be alone tonight. Tomorrow she would wake in his bed. The thought was reassuring like a warm blanket.

"Ivy…" Derek trailed off in explanation to Karen as the doorbell rang.

Derek wondered how he could have forgotten something so simple. Where had his mind been he asked himself already knowing the answer, Karen. And now this precariously fleeting moment of ease between them had vanished. He couldn't help but feel sorry for it. Karen meanwhile visibly stiffened at the realization that Ivy was at the door. She clutched her bag over her shoulder and stood up anxiously.

"I should go" she said it to floor, not wanting to look at him.

As Derek opened the door Ivy was leaning into the frame playfully. The warm smile on her face quickly vanished as she surveyed his visage. Quickly recovering she leaned in to examine his face.

"What pray tell happened to you? I never took you for a fighter Derek" she tskd impishly.

"Yes, well you know what the streets of New York can be like" he answered vaguely and ever sardonically.

"Lucky you that I know how to make it all better" she smiled up at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She began to lean into him for a kiss which caused Derek to shift uncomfortably aware of Karen's gaze upon them.

Meeting Karen's gaze he struggled to contain the look of mirth that spread across his face. Karen looked frozen, as if it would somehow provide her camouflage from Ivy. As amusing as it was he felt negligent for having failed to remember that Ivy was coming by. He knew that the day had been difficult for her and didn't want to be the cause of it becoming any worse. It was no secret that Ivy and Karen were the epitome of the oft used expression, 'like oil and water'.

Karen couldn't help but feel unbearably tense waiting for Ivy to notice her. For reason beyond her comprehension at the moment, an unmistakably betraying feeling of disappointment arose within her. Today had been too much to process. Nothing made sense, Dev's irrational jealousy and dramatic departure, Derek's apology and least of all her uncharacteristic behavior. Showing up at the doorstep of the villain who had 'sexually harassed' her. It sounded so awful the way Dev put it. Was she insane to enjoy this man's company now?

"Karen" Ivy said with knitted brows as she noticed the brunette. It was spoken more as a confused question to Derek. All signs of the playful sex kitten had vanished and this was the Ivy that none dared to reckon with imploring him for an explanation. She crossed her arms with an impatient look when he failed to answer immediately. Derek then opened his mouth to respond but before he had the chance to she continued.

"Derek, why is she here?" asked Ivy glaring at Derek accusingly with extra emphasis on the 'she' part making it obvious to Karen that Ivy still regarded her pretty much the same as she did before their unspoken truce.

So typical thought Karen rolling her eyes. Ivy's usual diva behavior had snapped her out of her bemused reverie. She really didn't want to have to deal with Ivy tonight. After everything she was exhausted, confused and needed to reset. She had to admit that she felt pretty badly for Ivy as well. Ivy was beyond talented and after losing Marilyn and her breakdown on stage she knew that Ivy finding her here wasn't exactly going to help. Sure they had made some headway in recent days but their newfound 'friendship' was timorous at best. That and she knew how territorial Ivy felt about Derek. The last thing she needed was the wrath of Ivy, having finally yet too briefly escaped it.

"Ivy, look, I was just about to leave…" began Karen.

"Oh, I'm sure you were" smiled Ivy venomously.

Derek cut realizing what Ivy was up to. "Karen was just here to apologize for her crazed boyfriends attack on me earlier." Then he added smugly and oh so predictably, "He is a rather unsavory character that Dev."

Karen gave him a pointed and annoyed look feeling irritated with Derek's unnecessary swipe at Dev. Whatever newfound sentiment that she might have had for him quickly faded. A crazed and pleading image of Dev clouded her vision and suddenly a wave of guilt washed over her. Surely, she should be at home curled up on the couch eating exorbitant amounts of comfort foods checking her phone every 5 minutes to see if he had text her back. Isn't that what most girlfriend's would be doing in her shoes?

"Look, I should be going… I am sorry to interrupt your evening together. "

Derek had stepped behind Ivy and put his arm around her shoulder pulling her into him. He knew how volatile things could get between Ivy and Karen. Ivy batted at his hand away and cornered him.

"And just why would he want to attack you Derek?"

"What?" He feigned ignorance, scratching his head and looking away. Now he felt like the one that needed protecting from Ivy's burning gaze.

Karen felt a twinge of guilt that her drama was now affecting Derek and Ivy's relationship and didn't want Derek getting into hot water over Dev's jealousy so she decided that she ought to explain for him. "Well, Dev, he thought that Derek and I, that something was going on between us, which it totally isn't, not at all, and he, well he attacked Derek. It is simple as that really and I am so sorry Derek. You really didn't deserve that."

Ivy looked thoughtful for a moment then blinked up to Derek. "Lucky you that I am here now" feigning undue confidence as she tugged at his collar. She pointedly refused to look Karen's way. Derek meanwhile seemed to actually be embarrassed by her brazen attempt to claim him in front of Karen and was abstractly looking away, averting Ivy's gaze.

Karen raised her eyebrows, typical diva Ivy. This was the Ivy she knew. And jeez Derek, could he be more ridiculous? She supposed dealing with Ivy out of his element was a bit humbling, he looked lost. Honestly Ivy and Derek were perfect for one another. Why was she so irritated though? Was she actually enjoying spending time with Derek before Ivy showed up? It really had been a long day…

"Well I'll leave you two to it." She smiled brightly collecting herself. And with that Karen made her way to the door.

"Right, well see you tomorrow Karen. Try not to stay up all night anguishing, you really are better than that." Derek said in earnestness catching her gaze before she slipped out. There it was again, that unbidden tumultuous and warm sensation. Shaking it off she set out for home. Lonely, empty home.

Checking her phone again on the way she found no new messages or calls from Dev. It made her feel numb inside. This was the cumulative conclusion to their life together. It was so bleak. Searching herself for some consolation her mind wandered to tomorrow's workshop. Understudy, the word made her smile inside as warm out of focus and fuzzy feelings of destined promise washed over her and momentarily ebbing away all else.

Derek watched the minutes on the clock tick by, it was now 3 am. He was laying in bed watching Ivy sleep peacefully, silently contemplating how he had brought this all upon himself. Karen was so magnetic, her audition had stirred something forgotten in him and he had mistaken it for cheap sexual allure and attempted to compromise her to his selfish will. He had done it so many times and never felt ashamed until now. Of course this was all in hindsight. At the time he was so taken aback from her spurning him that he instead tried it again on Ivy as if to teach her a lesson. What kind of man had he become he mused to himself in abject horror suddenly feeling very ashamed. Something about Karen was so disarming, it simultaneously exhilarated and frightened him. However, he had started something with Ivy and not even he was the sort that would just throw her over because he had feelings for someone else. It was true though that him and Ivy were by all accounts casual… Though it had become more. Yet, it wasn't as if Karen and him were going to happen. Despite Dev being out of the picture, which he relished, he still couldn't see Karen taking him seriously. Even more frustrating and frankly emasculating he couldn't see himself proving to be worthy of her. He would have to content himself with being the only thing that he could be to her, a friend. Feeling betrayed by his mind's sudden chivalrous rebellion he resolved to surrender the tangle of his confusion to the dark abyss of sleep and closed his eyes.


End file.
